Relational Intelligence: The Value and Pitfalls of Judging

Disclaimer: I am journeying this life like everyone else. The ideas and thoughts I present in my writings are simply lessons I have learned and perspectives that I hold as true and valuable for me. I have no desire to tell anyone what to do or point out where they are wrong. I simply have a strong compelling to communicate ideas that build relational health particularly within the Body of Christ, in which love is the foundational principal for all life.

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I'm the Relationship Coach yet I find myself trying to manage the breakdown of a treasured friendship. 

Most of the issues had to do with a perception of my life based on what I posted on Facebook, and then what I "liked" or did NOT "like," or lack of comment on her posts. I was pretty dumbfounded. These perceptions created an illusion affecting my interest in her, and the state of my emotional health when, in reality, I was at a place of loneliness, despair and grief. I do not use Facebook as a platform to air my drama because there's enough of that going around. It was not a good day when I realized even my closest friends would create story based on my presence on social media. I can do it too...make judgments...and I resist the compulsion to decide that what I see on Facebook - a snapshot really- is an accurate picture of their life, successes and failures.

I want to look at judging today.

Nobody likes their words, actions, dreams judged negatively by others. Judging is such a touchy subject. Ironically, people hate being judged while actively judging others. And I will agree that there is much vulnerability in living authentically.  Social media has created a universal judgment zone. We view posts on Facebook and make judgments: "oh, she looks happy." "Oh, his arm is around someone other than his wife." "Oh, WHY do you insist on passive aggressive rants to manage your feelings?"

Do these momentary posts reflect a true picture of a persons life or character? The wise would say "No, they do not."

Even so, I would assert that judging is a necessary part successful living. How else would we know what we want, what we need, who is safe, who is reckless. Judging is pretty important when it comes to buying a car, or picking a career, or selecting a ripe avocado. But when it comes to relationships, judging can be downright destructive. When evaluations about people result in a negative perspective, particularly where we do not have the whole picture, relationship and reputation are disrupted and the enemy has successfully impaired the human view of His Love for us. (John 13:35)

Relationships are very hard work. Loving others constructively requires grace, tons of forgiveness, and sometimes tough conversations. Without these believers simply function in relationship like the world does. Conditional love, rejection of amends, unforgiveness...are contrary to Godly love, and can never be a part of authentic Kingdom Living.

Fractures occur in every area. Families, workplace, social groups. Temperaments crash into each other all the time. Conflict and offenses exist and certainly understandable in many cases, but i believe our little sphere of influence is simply a reflection of the larger, global scale.  We cannot expect nations to get along when we can't even manage that with our next door neighbor.

Think for a moment of those you are upset with. Do you have the whole picture? Do you know what is happening behind the scenes? Are you holding on to resentments and grudges based on perceptions and judgments?  If so, its probably time to evaluate the fracture in your relationship and pursue a desire to see it mended. I offer you these thoughts:

1.  I'm a pretty imperfect person. I can act out inappropriately and harm others. And I cannot blame anyone else for my actions. All I can do is take responsibility and say "Im sorry." And I recognize that others are not perfect either and I choose to afford them the freedom to get it wrong. 

2.  It takes two to tango. I play a role in the breakdown. I have to ask myself what is my part? And as I reflect on your part, I release this to God (write it down, stick it in your God box).

3.  I cannot make someone love me, or want to be my friend, or enter into reconciliation and restoration. I find freedom in the admission of a wrong and a request for forgiveness; and then peace as I form a belief that I am not responsible for the acceptance or rejection of my amends.

3.  Evaluate the character and quality of the friendship. A friend who withholds affection, forgiveness and exhibits conditional love is really no friend at all. I can let go with good will and warmest regard in my heart. Think writing a code word on a balloon and releasing it into the universe which is big enough to absorb it. And then send out love, love, love.

4.  Empathy is the highest form of relational intelligence. Empathy is nothing more than the capacity to imagine what it would be like in their shoes. Socrates said, "be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I seek to cultivate generous perceptions that give others the benefit of the doubt. As St. Francis of Assisi prayed, "Let me seek to understand, rather than be understood."

At Christmas we sing about "goodwill toward men [humankind]"  It is more critical than ever that we find our way in these times. We can get there by -

• letting go when wronged (love covers a multitude of sins -1 Peter 4:8); 
• choosing humility (do not think of yourself more highly than you ought- Romans 12:3); and 
• being quick to reconcile for everyone's prosperity depends on it (leave your gift at the altar and go be reconciled to your friend Matt 5:24)

Be light. Be hope. Be love.

H.

Relational Intelligence: The Value and Pitfalls of Judging

Disclaimer: I am journeying this life like everyone else. The ideas and thoughts I present in my writings are simply lessons I have learned and perspectives that I hold as true and valuable for me. I have no desire to tell anyone what to do or point out where they are wrong. I simply have a strong compelling to communicate ideas that build relational health particularly within the Body of Christ, in which love is the foundational principal for all life.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

I'm the Relationship Coach yet I find myself trying to manage the breakdown of a treasured friendship. 

Most of the issues had to do with a perception of my life based on what I posted on Facebook, and then what I "liked" or did NOT "like," or comment on her posts. I was pretty dumbfounded. These perceptions created an illusion of emotional health when in reality I was at a place of loneliness, despair and grief. I do not use Facebook as a platform to air my drama because there's enough of that going around. It was not a good day when I realized even my closest friends would create story based on my presence on social media. I can do it too...make judgments...and I resist the compulsion to decide that what I see on Facebook - a snapshot really- is an accurate picture of their life, successes and failures.

I want to look at judging today.

Nobody likes their words, actions, dreams judged negatively by others. Judging is such a touchy subject. Ironically, people hate being judged while actively judging others. And I will agree that there is much vulnerability in living authentically.  Social media has created a universal judgment zone. We view posts on Facebook and make judgments: "oh, she looks happy." "Oh, his arm is around someone other than his wife." "Oh, WHY do you insist on passive aggressive rants to manage your feelings?" Do these momentary posts reflect a true picture of a persons life or character? The wise would say "No, they do not."

Even so, I would assert that judging is a necessary part successful living. How else would we know what we want, what we need, who is safe, who is reckless. Judging is pretty important when it comes to buying a car, or picking a career, or selecting a ripe avocado. But when it comes to relationships, judging can be downright destructive. When evaluations about people result in a negative perspective, particularly where we do not have the whole picture, relationship and reputation are disrupted and the enemy has successfully impaired the human view of His Love for us. (John 13:35)

Relationships are very hard work. Loving others constructively requires grace, tons of forgiveness, and sometimes tough conversations. Without these believers simply function in relationship like the world does. Conditional love, rejection of amends, unforgiveness...are contrary to Godly love, and can never be a part of authentic Kingdom Living.

Fractures occur in every area. Families, workplace, social groups. Temperaments crash into each other all the time. Conflict and offenses exist and certainly understandable in many cases, but i believe our little sphere of influence is simply a reflection of the larger, global scale. We cannot expect nations to get along when we can't even manage that with our neighbor next door.

Think for a moment of those you are upset with. Do you have the whole picture? Do you know what is happening behind the scenes? Are you holding on to resentments and grudges based on perceptions and judgments?  If so, its probably time to evaluate the fracture in your relationship and desire to see it mended. I offer you these thoughts:

1.  I'm a pretty imperfect person. I can act out inappropriately and harm others. And I cannot blame anyone else for my actions. All I can do is take responsibility and say "Im sorry. And I recognize that others are not perfect either and I choose to afford them the freedom to get it wrong. 

2.  It takes two to tango. I play a role in the breakdown. I have to ask myself what is my part? And as I reflect on your part, I release this to God (write it down, stick it in your God box).

3.  I cannot make someone love me, or want to be my friend, or enter into reconciliation and restoration. I find freedom in the admission of a wrong and a request for forgiveness; and then peace as I form a belief that I am not responsible for the acceptance or rejection of my amends.

3.  Evaluate the character and quality of the friendship. A friend who withholds affection, forgiveness and exhibits conditional love is really no friend at all. I can let go with good will and warmest regard in my heart. Think writing a code word on a balloon and releasing it into the universe which is big enough to absorb it. 

4.  Empathy is the highest form of relational intelligence. Empathy is nothing more than the capacity to imagine what it would be like in their shoes. Socrates said, "be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I seek to cultivate generous perceptions that give others the benefit of the doubt. As St. Francis of Assisi prayed, "Let me seek to understand, rather than be understood."

At Christmas we sing about "goodwill toward men [humankind]"  It is more critical than ever that we find our way in these times. We can get there by -

• letting go when wronged (love covers a multitude of sins -1 Peter 4:8); 
• choosing humility (do not think of yourself more highly than you ought- Romans 12:3); and 
• being quick to reconcile for everyone's prosperity depends on it (leave your gift at the altar and go be reconciled to your friend Matt 5:24)

Be light. Be hope. Be love.

H.

Its Our Birthday Month - Kindred Spirits: Ava, Jesus and Me

Its that time of year again...lights, singing, eggnog...parties, parties, parties. This month, December, while full of bubbly - is the annual celebration of the birth anniversaries of three extraordinary people. 

From the book,
Heaven is for Real

Jesus...well, what can be said about the One who altered time calculation? Or taught against the horrid practice of exploiting the poor and disadvantaged. Or who was raised from the dead and brings the spirit of all who ask to life; although the Correctness Police will argue that Jesus was born in August or something like that, I don't care. We have to land somewhere and stop for just one day and say happy birthday to the Savior of the world. It happens to be December 25. Around the world. Its actually a little crazy that we have this international holiday, however, He so deserves it.

Ava Major...this little granddaughter of mine was born eight years ago on the 18th. We are a blessed family to have her enter into it. She defines "dynamo," "powerful," "leader," with the most beautiful heart.  I have told her many times, "Ava, remember to always use your power for good," since she has a way of taking you out if you don't do what she wants.  Her mom and dad are doing an amazing job channeling her God designed greatness. 

Me. Well, Im just a perfect example of what God can do with a wild, no-limits, reckless, self-centered little ADHD kid...who spent most her third grade year outside the classroom door, who found alcohol at 16 and rode that horse until she was 35 at which time her Heavenly Father delivered her from its grip. He has been so faithful to teach me humility, discipline, love for others and a deep respect for social behaviors that make room for everyone while nurturing the planet. He gave me a purpose and a super fun life plan.

I am 62 today. Thats really freaking old considering I've lived 3/4s of a natural lifetime. People always want to correct my perspective. "You are only as old as you feel" they say. Well, actually, somedays I feel my physical age. My bones ache sometimes, my joints get stiff...its okay...this is only a temporary vessel. I believe the more accurate idea is, "You are only as old as you think."  Which reflects the great verse in the Bible, "As a woman thinketh, so she is."   And I seem to thinketh as if Im 40. This is the age where you have gained a clue, recognize true beauty, value the simple things, and take nothing for granted.  40 suits me perfectly today.

My birthday wish is that all people would come to know God like I do because in Him we find our glorious identity - no matter where you are born, or to whom you are born, or how you are born, or what happens to you in life, you are not defined by these things. You are a child of God (maybe estranged from Him today, but that is easily rectified).  Because I believe if we all acted as Jesus instructed, the terrifying state of the world would not be so.

Sending you all love, joy and peace on this the 62nd anniversary of my Birth Day.

   -H

Pastor Pope Francis - Leaving Those Red Shoes Behind

Pope Francis traded in the traditional Red Shoes for simple brown ones.  

This Pope moved out of the palace into an apartment.  

This Pope refuses the levels of security past popes accepted. Pope Francis says "God is in charge of my life and I'm not afraid." (a bit paraphrased)  How would pharmaceutical companies do if more of us held to this philosophy??  He is challenging traditional ideas and if he is successful, Catholicism will see the merciful, kind heart of God, rather than the Disgusted Being He is often portrayed to be; not only in Catholic circles, mind you, but in protestant ones as well.  


I come from a great vantage point - I was raised Roman Catholic. I am very familiar with the history, traditions, sacraments and the role of the Pope in leading the Catholic church. I left this community when I was in my mid 20s as my life journey would depend on a more personal relationship with Jesus. Embracing sobriety in the 1980s, I attended a 12 Step retreat lead by a Catholic priest who was part of Vatican II. He was assigned the role of taking Pope John's new and life giving changes to the parishes throughout Europe.  His excitement was soon extinguished by the rejection of him and these new ideas by the people...It took decades for parishioners to embrace simple things like saying Mass in English, turning the altar around, asking everyone to greet each other. All designed to bring a more relational element to the community - and no one was interested in their brother! 

Implementing change is hard. Even when you are a Pope.

There is a temperament type that insists on justice. The Pope's desire to extend absolution to socially abhorrent sins, i.e., abortion, is shocking and disappointing to many pro-life people. Yet, I rejoice! Because it reminds us that no action or behavior is outside the reach of God's mercy and love.  Our God is all about justice.  We do not get to terrorize the life of another for our own sake without raising God's ire! It is why He sent his Son, Jesus. Human nature wants to categorize everything in black and white terms; but God's grace is GRAY!  What is black and white is his tireless pursuit of rebellious children.

Yes, a sound spiritual justice system attaches penalties to all kinds of behaviors like gossip, slander, unforgiveness, gluttony (overeating!), self-righteousness. To God of all creation, these will inspire His wrath every bit as much as the termination of a precious life.  As furious as He may be, failure does not disqualify us from eternity with Him because of His grace.  Yes, penalties are assessed for anti-loving actions, but Jesus PAID THE PENALTIES for these offenses, so we don't have to.   

If Pope Francis does anything, I pray he will bring a new understanding of the Gospel: that we are ALL sinners who have fallen short of God's glory, that there are NONE righteous, NOT ONE; we have NO standing to judge the lost.  I pray he heightens his call to believers to the very same compassionate mercy we ourselves receive every day, AND that we are not saved by traditions, or membership in a church, or because of our good works.  Ideas like these are NOT the Gospel. We are saved by His goodness alone. 

I do not agree with everything Pope Francis is imparting; but I know his smile, warmth and compassion shows us Jesus more than we have really ever seen from a Pope.  His move away from riches and wealth into a humble lifestyle tells us much about his heart and sincerity. 

I am reminded of God's words through Isaiah:

Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. - Isaiah 43:19

God is again doing a new thing.  Will we open our eyes and our hearts to it?

The Earth is Not Headed for DEstruction - it is Headed for REconstruction - And You Are a Major Player

Wow...I knew God would establish a clear communication channel when I removed myself from all my distractions...all my good intentioned, valuable, brilliant, self-righteous distractions... and I am hearing Him.  


I have been listening to a very powerful message by Kris Vallotton about Spiritual Intelligence and I want to share it with you.  I got many things from this message - great encouragement for one!  I see that the end of the church is not near at all.  The restoration of the church will happen as we are all brought into missional clarity.

I am a huge fan of Kris.  He is funny, bold, and comes from the wrong side of the tracks like I do.  And he is not afraid to challenge the status quo.  You may know that Kris is associated with "prophetic" ministry. Please understand this arena has its call to bring a different aspect of discipleship: Application or "the How."  

Prophetic teaching is rooted in 1 Corinthians 14:3 - "but the one who prophesies speaks to men (and women) for edification, encouragement and comfort."  There are those who run from the word "prophesy" as it is associated with experiences that are frightening and misleading. Please accept this definition of prophesy - "to tell forth" - which is simply explaining in English under the anointing of the Holy Spirit what God is saying through Scripture.   

I have been in Bible studies throughout the years. I have an unquenchable thirst for true exegesis and correct interpretation of Scripture. There are many pastors and preachers who can do this very well. Unfortunately, the message often exposes every area in which we fail to live up to the impossibly high standard of God. We suffer under an unintended burden of guilt and shame infliction. Unfortunately, this is one of the many influences of the enemy. Work harder. Act holier. Ignore the root issues. Obey the rules. All out of self. And absolutely do not abuse grace.  This sends many into hiding. Powerlessness and hopelessness.  I know many Christians who wear a mask to cover their struggle, a cycle they can never get out of. But there is a "How." His name is Holy Spirit.  He is our only hope. 

More to come.    

Here is a link to Kris' You Tube message. I believe he is able to relieve us of the pressure we unnecessarily create for ourselves.  I welcome your thoughts and perspectives.   http://youtu.be/trpVdZOPoUw

 Note: to protect me from spammers, you must be a Google+ friend to comment. 

Living the Warrior Wife Life

This is Joe...isn't he cute.

Today, just three days beyond my 42nd wedding anniversary, my husband dropped me off at my Aunties to live for a few months. He then returned to our home of 30 years to work a bit and prepare us financially for an interstate move.  He wants to live in Arizona on Lake Havasu, water ski as long as he is physically able, enjoy the isolation from the people masses. We are going. I'm willing. I still cried. Im a California beach girl and such a transplant is daunting. But I surrender...this warrior knows my battle is with my worldly desires and thirst for security. The need know my future is relentless and the enemy's breaths of fear and doubt of faith is relentless... Get behind me enemy. 

Now, let me just say that my Auntie lives in Santa Barbara and I'm here during the most glorious time of the year; the beach is gorgeous, sunsets unbelievable, and water warm enough to swim in...so this deal is not all THAT horrifying. What is NOT here, however, is Joe. 

When I think about this blog coming out of my life mission to help people focus on their love for God, for themselves, and for others (because that's where the soul thrives), I'm surprised to see how the principles that belie the truths I teach, really do sustain me as I wait on God's plan to unfold.  How thankful I am for these:

1.    Trust Bears Fruit.  No matter what's going on God has a plan for me that will prosper me, bless me and meet my deep desire for meaningful and significant contribution.  I expect things to look a certain way at a certain time. I want to write the screenplay for my life and it is unfailingly small and limited. Yet I write! I lay down the pen. You can lay down your pen too.  You too can seek first Heaven and its Righteousness, and all things will be added.  Here we find peace. 

2.  Remember - We Are At War.  My princess dress is hanging in the closet.  There was a time not so long ago when we were living in the Kingdom carefree, enjoying parties in the palace, rich in laughter, dancing, playing in the sun. These are not those days.  I'm not wearing my ball gown, instead I'm wearing my battle gear poised for battle with an enemy I cannot see.  I live under the tyranny of the urgent; there is little time to waste, and I am sober, alert and prepared to respond to whatever instruction the Holy Spirit has for me each day. The Bible teaches us that our life is hidden in Christ; we have been gifted and groomed for maximum efficiency in the Kingdom of God. My deepest desire is to walk in my calling.  As I watch this unfold, I am unnerved! You too, have something far greater to accomplish for the sake of others...leaving your own creature comforts and fortress of security behind...letting go and following God is rich in anticipation and excitement. Come with me!   

3.  Let courage rule in your heart. There are many things I do not understand in this world.  Things in this life that are out of alignment with what I believe God wants from us; justices to make right, causes of the innocent to protect.  I don't always know what the right thing to do or say is but this I do know...Love does not fail...it does not fail ourselves and it does not fail others. Unfailing love is not always nice. Sometimes truth telling is painful.  I am called to be a compassionate truth teller. My role is to explain the things of God as he has decreed them, not as I wish them to be.  Love will place another's safety and hope in the hands of God even at the expense of personal comfort and interest. Follow your heart. When fear rises up, believe that God is who He says he is and will do what He has said he will do.

In the coming days, the people of God must know what they are doing. They must be willing to sacrifice everything to walk the path of holiness and submission. Here I am and Joe is far from me physically; but I trust in his character and commitment that we are walking together toward something extraordinary.  

I can't wait. 

Three Simple Ingredients for a Strong Cup O' Love

Think of yourself as a container - a cup - let's say with the capacity to be filled to the brim with love. 

Can anyone argue that human beings are made to love and be loved? Maybe you could argue that, but what would you say? Anyway - here are three ingredients that will make your life overflowing with loving expressions and experiences:

1.  Friendship. I went looking for a definition of this word and found this at Wikipedia... I like:

"Such characteristics include affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend."

Be sure you have an abundance of relationships in your life that fill this criteria.  People who are unable to engage with you in these ways are drinking from your cup, draining it maybe, but never pouring into it. Do you need permission to identify and then limit your time and resources with these? I give it to you. Are we to love the unloveable? I believe yes. But how much of me I give away is up to me... 

First be this kind of friend, then nurture, celebrate and enjoy those who freely pour into your life with abundance.

2.  Peace. I find peace to be probably the most necessary ingredient to a delicious cup of love. The opposite of peace, whatever creates that...drives an emotional roller coaster. My Creator is perfect for receiving my anxiety and distress so a spiritual life can play a huge role in finding inner peace. I seek out circumstances and situations that foster peace...be it the beach, meditation or going inside to my quiet place amidst strife and turmoil, peace looks lovely on me and others. Love flourishes in it.

3. Passion. May I just say that passion is a most delicious ingredient? Passion is described as a very strong feeling about a person or a thing. Passion is often associated with intimacy but it is much more than that.  I am passionate about God and the "compelling enthusiasm" I have about communicating his great Love, Power and Tender Heart, moves me all the time. My cup o' love is full when I walk in the truths I believe in.  What are your passions? What are those circumstances or ideas that rock your soul?

Maybe you feel empty and drained. Cultivate relationships with those who are able to pour into you not just take from you; Maybe you taste a little bland. Spice it up with opportunities to do what you love...paint, travel, be an activist...honor that thing in you that gets you all riled up! And when it comes to peace...be it, seek it, love it.