Disclaimer: I am journeying this life like everyone else. The ideas and thoughts I present in my writings are simply lessons I have learned and perspectives that I hold as true and valuable for me. I have no desire to tell anyone what to do or point out where they are wrong. I simply have a strong compelling to communicate ideas that build relational health particularly within the Body of Christ, in which love is the foundational principal for all life.
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I'm the Relationship Coach yet I find myself trying to manage the breakdown of a treasured friendship.
Most of the issues had to do with a perception of my life based on what I posted on Facebook, and then what I "liked" or did NOT "like," or lack of comment on her posts. I was pretty dumbfounded. These perceptions created an illusion affecting my interest in her, and the state of my emotional health when, in reality, I was at a place of loneliness, despair and grief. I do not use Facebook as a platform to air my drama because there's enough of that going around. It was not a good day when I realized even my closest friends would create story based on my presence on social media. I can do it too...make judgments...and I resist the compulsion to decide that what I see on Facebook - a snapshot really- is an accurate picture of their life, successes and failures.
I want to look at judging today.
Nobody likes their words, actions, dreams judged negatively by others. Judging is such a touchy subject. Ironically, people hate being judged while actively judging others. And I will agree that there is much vulnerability in living authentically. Social media has created a universal judgment zone. We view posts on Facebook and make judgments: "oh, she looks happy." "Oh, his arm is around someone other than his wife." "Oh, WHY do you insist on passive aggressive rants to manage your feelings?"Do these momentary posts reflect a true picture of a persons life or character? The wise would say "No, they do not."
Even so, I would assert that judging is a necessary part successful living. How else would we know what we want, what we need, who is safe, who is reckless. Judging is pretty important when it comes to buying a car, or picking a career, or selecting a ripe avocado. But when it comes to relationships, judging can be downright destructive. When evaluations about people result in a negative perspective, particularly where we do not have the whole picture, relationship and reputation are disrupted and the enemy has successfully impaired the human view of His Love for us. (John 13:35)
Relationships are very hard work. Loving others constructively requires grace, tons of forgiveness, and sometimes tough conversations. Without these believers simply function in relationship like the world does. Conditional love, rejection of amends, unforgiveness...are contrary to Godly love, and can never be a part of authentic Kingdom Living.
Fractures occur in every area. Families, workplace, social groups. Temperaments crash into each other all the time. Conflict and offenses exist and certainly understandable in many cases, but i believe our little sphere of influence is simply a reflection of the larger, global scale. We cannot expect nations to get along when we can't even manage that with our next door neighbor.
Think for a moment of those you are upset with. Do you have the whole picture? Do you know what is happening behind the scenes? Are you holding on to resentments and grudges based on perceptions and judgments? If so, its probably time to evaluate the fracture in your relationship and pursue a desire to see it mended. I offer you these thoughts:
1. I'm a pretty imperfect person. I can act out inappropriately and harm others. And I cannot blame anyone else for my actions. All I can do is take responsibility and say "Im sorry." And I recognize that others are not perfect either and I choose to afford them the freedom to get it wrong.
2. It takes two to tango. I play a role in the breakdown. I have to ask myself what is my part? And as I reflect on your part, I release this to God (write it down, stick it in your God box).
3. I cannot make someone love me, or want to be my friend, or enter into reconciliation and restoration. I find freedom in the admission of a wrong and a request for forgiveness; and then peace as I form a belief that I am not responsible for the acceptance or rejection of my amends.
3. Evaluate the character and quality of the friendship. A friend who withholds affection, forgiveness and exhibits conditional love is really no friend at all. I can let go with good will and warmest regard in my heart. Think writing a code word on a balloon and releasing it into the universe which is big enough to absorb it. And then send out love, love, love.
4. Empathy is the highest form of relational intelligence. Empathy is nothing more than the capacity to imagine what it would be like in their shoes. Socrates said, "be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I seek to cultivate generous perceptions that give others the benefit of the doubt. As St. Francis of Assisi prayed, "Let me seek to understand, rather than be understood."
At Christmas we sing about "goodwill toward men [humankind]" It is more critical than ever that we find our way in these times. We can get there by -
- letting go when wronged (love covers a multitude of sins -1 Peter 4:8);
- choosing humility (do not think of yourself more highly than you ought- Romans 12:3); and
- being quick to reconcile for everyone's prosperity depends on it (leave your gift at the altar and go be reconciled to your friend Matt 5:24)
Be light. Be hope. Be love.
H.
